| | The last month has been a whirlwind of wonderment...
I am re-evaluating constantly everything in my life because, though I despise micromanagement, I know my working self isn't always focused on the small details. I focus on the big picture,the big plans, the big kahuna of ideas, and then I move on and make more big plans big ideas. I wish someone else would carry them out, someone more apt than I.
I have started taking classes. I am not sure what they will lead to.
I bought a guitar, and I strum almost every night. I was told to do scales and learn dexterity. Easier said than done.
I have created new friendships that confuse the hell out of me and my friends. I just don't GET the current dating scene. Carrie, she's fun and sarcastic and intelligent. Jenna, she's charming and caring. Sarah Q. is a doll and very logical. Christine, smart, sexy and testy. Megan L., smart, compassionate, talkative. All women. All good people. But I am just not into them like that. They know it, too. Not to say they like me in any special way, but it's hard to know these things about myself and balance them and get involved with anyone: that I crave and desire physical affection, that i want a woman not only to love, but to share life with and make my own life less hectic and pressuring, that i am in no way psychologically ready to proceed with attaining what i want, and that i need to focus on what I neeeeed and not what I want. I know a wife will not make me happy. I know physical affection will not satisfy me. I also know that I am loved by a few people. A few people who would be forever moved if I were to die this instant. That love is sometimes I think the only human affection I ever need to feel.
I need to meet guys, dangit. I joined two community groups through church. I have classes and obligations that keep me from going to one or the other every few weeks, so I dont want to miss a discussion. The all mens community group seems to be leaps and bounds above the mixed gender, mixed marital status group. For guys, we all seem to talk alot. The other group seems to have less insight, less well-formed 'big pictures' of their faith or other people's viewpoints. Maybe it's a more narrow group. Being the only non-Christian in both groups doesn't make me feel weird or bad. I am searching. I am studying. I am waiting to feel something in order to know my faith instead of just think it.
I have been losing my stamina at work. It's not very fun, but I do my job well. It just gets exasperating.
My newfound empathy is overwhelming. Somehow I turned from a self-interested "aww thats sad but life goes on" type of person into a more selfless, "i am attempting to understand and feel your pain, to help you and be what you need me to be for you" type of guy. I have done this nearly unconsciously, though I cannot deny the desire is there to be this newer expression of my self.
I registered to vote. I doubt I will actually vote. But I couldn't find a reasonable argument against the act of registering. After all, I do take interest in politics, even if I do not agree in totality with either majority candidate. I should give myself the option in case I ever see a reason to vote on something.
I have tonsillitis. Tuesday was a hospital day, bleeding from sores in my mouth. Not abcesses. That having been found out after xrays and CT scans. Thank God. Tonsillectomy would have been horrible.
Ashley and Brian are married. I am so happy for them. I love them together. I love them. Spent a Sunday together opening gifts and talking and crying and playing Rock Band. Great times.
I think as a person I need to keep up the good work, and keep doing what I do, and keep analyzing every move I make. This is a chess match...or maybe I am a baseball team, and I need to manage it. There will be some down years, and some up years, and when it comes time to be forced out of the league, to quit the game, I'll leave behind quite the storied franchise.
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| | Posted 10/10/2008 2:50 AM - 5 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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